Thursday, June 2, 2011

Table for five....go somewhere else.

I've learned a very important lesson when running the floor at the Irish pub:
Don't have more than two kids when you grow up.

Okay, the number five is just fucking stupid. I hate it. Six sucks too. Our tables are made for four people, which usually ends up being two adults and two kids on a normal friday or saturday night. When you walk in with two adults and three kids (or even four, God bless it), it automatically creates havoc. Someone is going to be crammed onto the end, face it.

Oh, and hell no I'm not pushing two tables together for your five person family, sorry, should have thought twice about having that third child, don't even BOTHER asking because I'll straight up tell you "no" and walk away.

Six, ah fuck it, even worse. TWO of your annoying kids will be crammed onto the ends. Which means the macaroni that is dropped to the floor will now surround the entire vicinity of the table, not just one side. 

And again, hell no, I'm not pushing tables together for even your six person family. You will squish. (Height chairs are an exception, the new born is pretty innocent in this situation)

But if I walk away, you can proceed to pull the table next to you over for there to be two empty chairs on one side because I must have forgotten that you own the place. The one thing about 5 and 6 tops that is very important is, drop the menu's as quick as you can and walk away fast. That way, no one can ask to relocate, because sorry, all the tables are the same. You're going to look crammed no matter where you sit...And don't complain about being too close together because you two were the ones who wanted more than two kids and didn't think about the way you'd be situated at a table in a restaurant first.


  1. I hosted for ONE shift and I will never do it again. I hate fucktards who have 5 people. It either wastes a 4-top table or they have to squeeze and then they bitch. And I hate being a server when this shit happens because I have to work around the fact that they are either 1) taking up a whole 'nother table that WOULD otherwise be making me money or 2) annoying the shit out of me because I can't fit all their shit on the table.

  2. I used to hostess at a popular breakfast restaurant for families. We had tables of all sizes, anything to small 2-top booths to big round tables that could fit up to 7 by themselves.

    We didn't take names for some reason, we only went through the line (and there was almost always a line) and took how many in your party and it was first come first serve basically.

    I think what was worse than people who had 5 or more people who got huffy were the new parents who didn't realize that their baby took up space and no, they couldn't say they had only two people unless they wanted to put the newborn on the floor. "PARTY FOR 2!" "Oh, that's us." "Ummmmm, you have a baby carrier." "Yeah, so?" "Do you plan to put the baby on the floor?" "No, that's terrible!" Idiots.